Unleashing the Bootcamp Beast

As I’m sitting here writing this post, my fingers are probably the only part of my body that I can move without experiencing excruciating pain! It’s that time of year yet again when I begin to purge the Mickey D Fish Filets, Sweet Teas and Checkers Fries from my daily diet while I begin my investigation of the hottest new ‘loose weight quick schemes’ for the season. However, I have all summer to bitch about not being able to gorge in pasta, bread, and sugar! Today my pain does not stem from my love affair with fast food and diabetic induced beverages. The reason why I’m in so much pain is because I’m such THE genius that came up with this bright idea that signing up for a fitness bootcamp would help initiate and jumpstart my workout regimen for the next 9 months. Yes that nice winter break away from working out on a consistent basis came crashing down with the rest of my world as I embarked upon this 7 week long debacle of a bootcamp! Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic, but so what damnit!

Early Saturday I woke up at 6 in the morning. (Oh I forgot to mention the bootcamp is at 8AM every Saturday morning! There goes my social life for the next month and a half) I looked the window and it was pouring down rain outside. Oh hell no! The instructor, K.W. a.k.a. Sergeant ‘Hate-On-Me-And-My-Sexy’ specifically stated that we would work out rain or shine. Just my luck! So I took my time getting dressed hoping and praying I would get a phone call, text message, or some sort of S.O.S message in the sky indicating bootcamp was canceled until the following week. NOTHING! So I finished getting dressed and hesitantly ventured out to face my inevitable fate of sore joints and busted thighs.

When I arrived K.W. rolled down the window of his big ass 4x4 with a bright smile on the seemingly endless gloomy day. I hate him already! Forget the fact that he’s completely hot with the prettiest teeth I’ve even seen in life...Damn he’s fine! LOL Sorry I just had a moment there. He asked for my name, so I announced myself and of course gave some sort of snide remark to which he responded, ‘OH YOOOOOOUR CAG!! I’ve been waiting to meet you!’ I was about to say, ‘why...you already have my money!’, but since he was being nice I kept comment to myself. However that sentiment quickly diminished within minutes.

As the full group gathered before I knew it, this mofo said ‘Ok lets start by doing a quick jog around the park’ What?! Way to ease my ass into things! After the moment of complete astonishment passed I started running with the rest of the pack...IN THE RAIN! So the foolishness didn’t stop there. We did lunges, squats, suicides, planks...No SETS OF PLANKS! LIKE 8 SETS! Did I mention that we were IN THE RAIN?! He has obviously lost his damn mind! Oh no and it’s didn’t stop there. Do you know at the end, we had to do more running?!! WTF! And if that’s not enough ridiculousness, he made me run with his overly fit muscle bound tall drink of water... LOL My bad...I was having another moment. HAHAHA No seriously, if we had to do all of that in the FIRST session, I’m truly afraid of what will follow.

Now I’m in so much pain, I’m afraid to move. I have to walk up the stairs sideways while holding on to the railing for dear life! Yeah I know what your thinking, ‘NO PAIN NO GAIN (OR LOSE IN THIS SITUATION), but this shit just isn’t normal! I had the nerve to even try to go to the club on Saturday night and in the midst of me ‘dropping it like it’s hot’ I think I broke portions of my thigh and groin muscles. Go figure! At that point my girl Elicious, who is also partaking in the bootcamp debauchery with me, and I were ready to go. We figured we would leave while the party was jumping so that noone would pay attention while we basically had to crawl out the club in our four inch heels. How embarrassing! As we were riding home in pain I kindly sent K.W. a lengthy hate-mail message via my Treo. The next day he responded and said he thought my e-mail was hilarious and that he’s glad I was thinking about working out as I was ‘dropping it’! (I’m sorry...He must’ve missed my point. The Jaws of Life would not make it possible for me to ‘drop it’ in my condition. Obviously he thinks this is some sort of joke! It’s cool though. I’ll play his little game. I got something for his ass! I’m ready for whatever he tries to dish at me next! He better watch out because this little diva here is ready to unleash her inner fitness beast! Wish me Luck

Ten Ways to Get Rid of Your Stalker Ex

2 Years? Seriously?! 2 Years and he still hasn’t moved on??? Is there something I’m missing here?

My ex-boyfriend is a complete stalker and I need some fucking industrial strength repellant to get rid of his ass! Most of my friends and long time Caggers may remember my post dedicated to my exes where I talked about my ex Curt that was once a really good friend and we mistakenly got into a relationship. Well approximately two years ago, 2 Years and 4 Months to be exact, I ended our relationship because I realized we were starting to become toxic to each other. He became more and more jealous while I remained indifferent and distant. We were like water and oil; we just didn’t mix! After our relationship ended I made several failed attempts to be his friend again. However, the final straw that made me realize we could never be friends again was when he introduced me to someone as his future wife. That was almost a year ago.

The general rule of thumb for getting over an ex is to divide the time you were together in half and that’s how long it should take for you to get over your ex. Now I don’t usually conform to the norm when it comes to the rules of engagement for dating, but I need for Curt’s ass to get with the program. We were together for about two years so he’s about a year overdue. Since I made the declaration to Curt and the rest of the world that we will never be friends again he has become a bigger pain in my ass. He randomly has these moments where he fills the need to text me messages about how much of a jerk I am and how I messed up such a good thing. (Okay well leave me alone fucker!) Lately, he’s been having these epiphanies of his during the middle of the night. Here’s where I have a serious problem!

Now when he sends the messages during the day, I pretty much ignore him and go about with business as usual. However, I feel like he’s increasing hating on me because he’s sending the messages not quite during booty call hours, but if I was with one of my ‘man-friends’ they would definitely look at me like, ‘What’s that about?’ The last crazy message he sent was at 4:58 AM!! After I cursed him out, he sent another series of insane messages. You know the ones like “I hate you! But I love you so much” or “You’re such a bitch, but will always be my angel” I mean I won’t get into all the details, but all and all, he’s fucking psycho and I need to come up with a strategy to get rid of his ass. Here’s what I came up with:

1. Get a Restraining Order against Him – Okay this is probably the most obvious solution, but I guess I’ve seen too many Lifetime specials where restraining orders are completely useless!
2. Change My Number – Sorry too attached. I’ve had this number since I’ve had a cell phone.
3. Tell Him I’m Moving out of State - He would probably try to follow me because he’s such a stalker!! Aaarrrgh...
4. Move – I mean he hasn’t popped up at my house (yet), but this is a very viable option. But hello! You haven’t seen my disaster of a closet. I dread the day I’ll have to move. (Sigh)
5. Write a series of obscenities in red lipstick on his brand new white Infiniti – Yeah I’m too old for car vandalism. The days of putting sugar/cany bars in the gas tank and pouring bleach in the tank are far behind me. Plus he could retaliate on my baby i.e. my car and then there would be serious problems!
6. Take one of my tall handsome male friends up to his job to pose as my new beau – He works at a car dealership as a salesman, so I doubt he will show out. Plus he’s a midget and I can take him by myself so he would probably punk out. However, maybe I shouldn’t risk it.
7. Tell him I’m pregnant with someone else baby – Knowing him he’ll try to act like the damn daddy!
8. Tell him I’m a lesbian – Like most assholes, he’ll probably ask to join in.
9. Tell him I’m dying of a fatal disease where I only have a week to live – Yeah that just sounds really crazy
10. Get My Uncle Charlie – Drastic times call for drastic measures. This is the most extreme option and I don’t know if I’m ready to take it there. He’s a nuisance that is attempting to jeopardize my social life, but if I get my uncle involved....let’s just say I’m afraid FOR him.

I’m stuck! My strategy is pretty wack as it stands right now. I need your help! Yes, CAG the pimpstress is stuck! I mean I may no how to get them, but I’m having a problem getting rid of them. Ugh! So what should I do? I know somebody has some creative ideas out there...

Bridezilla vs. Bridekilla: Scene 1 Until…

Have you ever felt like doing bodily harm to anyone? No? Well neither have I (smirk), but today I’m wound up! I don’t know if it’s because it’s a completely rainy day and I have flat hair or the fact that one of coworkers rudely interrupted me while I was CLEARLY talking to another coworker. Sorry dude you’re in a complete frenzy because you don’t know how to do YOUR job! UGH! As a result, I’m in this mood to finally divulge the lowdown on what’s been going down with this wedding I’m in...or USED to be in.

Characters in the drama:
Muah: CAG the diva/Governor of class, etiquette, and general couth
Nikki: BFF of CAG/Nonchalant yet frugal future millionaire
Sheree: Childhood friend of CAG/Bridezilla and Queen of Alienation too all those around her
Rashika: Big ‘Sister’-like Figure/Hood Mistress in love with drama and keeping drama going

Here’s the scoop. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible. Sheree plays the leading role in the debauchery of a situation; for she’s the bride. Just to give you some background, Sheree and I have been really good friends for the past...wow I might be telling my age here so I’ll just say middle school. I actually met her through my BFF Nikki, but over the years Nikki and Sheree have grown apart. Sheree has been having a really hard time with it, but they’ve been trying to hold on to whatever friendship they have left for legacy purposes I guess. As a result, Sheree made me and Nikki her Maids of Honor (MOH). Oftentimes, Sheree tends to put me in the middle her and Nikki’s she-drama and normally I try to help because I just want everyone to get along. It’s hard to be friends with two people that really don’t get along, but recently I started not giving a shit.

Sheree got engaged some time last year and decided to have a destination wedding in Jamaica. Nikki has always had a problem with this because she is extremely serious about her finances and hates to use her money for what she considers to be wasteful spending. As a result, fundamentally she views having to pay $1000 to be in Sheree’s wedding (not including the bridesmaid’s dress and wedding festivities such as the bridal shower) was a selfish and overly demanding proposition on Sheree’s part. In addition, Nikki never really exhibits the amount of excitement that Sheree envisioned her maids should show. For example, I’ve been very involved with a lot of the wedding planning itself which has been an uphill battle, but nonetheless I have been there to support Sherree. I mean that’s what a maid of honor is supposed to do, right? Mind you I live in ANOTHER STATE while Nikki and Sheree live around the corner from each other…LITERALLY! Nikki on the other hand has been more distant and uninvolved for the most part. I guess she feels like, “I already have to pay $1000 to be in the damn wedding, what else do you want from me?!” This brings me to my story…

The other week I made an appointment at the bridal shop for all the bridesmaids so we could select our dresses. The night before I went to my friend Dexter’s 30th birthday party in New York City and Nikki went with me. We didn’t get in the house until about 7 AM the morning of the appointment and Nikki had to pick up her daughter as soon as we got back to town. The appointment was at noon, but my mother managed to wake me up at 9 AM. I called Nikki soon after and we were both beyond tired. Nikki said she wasn’t going to the appointment and she would be okay with whatever decision we decided to make regarding the dress. Later on that morning I talked to Sheree that managed to get on my nerves within seconds. Perhaps it was because I was in much need of sleep or because she basically told me I needed to play taxi service and pick up the entire wedding party from different parts of the city since everyone was vehicly challenged. Nonetheless, I informed her that Nikki would not be attending. At first she seemed to be annoyed but she didn’t express it until we conferenced Rashika in on the call.

As soon as Rashika answered the phone Sheree immediately said, “So get this Rashika…Nikki isn’t coming to the appointment today!” Since Rashika lives for drama and gossip she proceeds to feed into Sheree and they in turn started asking me questions about why Nikki wouldn’t be in attendance. I quickly removed myself from the discussion by reminding them that my name is C.A.G. and if they wanted to know they could call her. After I diffused that situation we started discussing logistics and ultimately I only had to pick up Rashika (thank goodness!) We met Sheree and the other bridesmaid at the bridal shop and within the hour we selected our dresses. Rashika and I decided to pay for our dresses in full since we had the money on hand.

Later on that night Sheree called me to see if I left town and made it home safely. I told her I just got in the house and she asked me why I got in the house so late. I told her I went over Nikki’s house to see her daughter, which happens to be my goddaughter. She in turn got extremely excited and said, “So what did she have to say?!” I basically ignored her and said nothing. She attempted to probe me for information and I told her that her and Nikki needed to talk. She got frustrated with me and basically hung up the phone on me. Ten minutes later, I got this message in my inbox…

To all my bridesmaids:
Thank you very much for your effort to help me have a wonderful wedding. I appreciate everything you have tried to do. But after certain events and plenty of thinking (TEN WHOLE MINUTES WORTH) I have decided to cancel my bridal party. I will only have a flower girl (Cheyenne) (<-- daughter of Raskika a.k.a recently dismissed maid) and a ring barrier (my son). I understand that the funds are difficult and may even be a strain on some of you. So I would love for you all to still be a part of our destination wedding (SERIOUSLY?? Is this some sort of joke? Am I being punked?!) but I will also understand if you decide not to accompany us any longer. This decision has been very hard for us to make (NO JUST YOU BECAUSE YOUR FIANCE HAS NO IDEA YOU’RE SENDING THIS SHIT) but I think it is in the best interest for everyone especially those who don't really want to be apart.(CLEARLY AN ATTACK ON NIKKI..HOW DISCRETE OF YOU DOUBLE07)

Yes! You’re not reading incorrectly! TEN MINUTES AFTER I told her I was staying out of her and Nikki’s foolishness, she came to this epiphany! Yes the SAME DAY I paid $150 for a not so flattering bridesmaids dress she decides to not to have a bridal party! Did I forget to mention that the $150 is NONREFUNDABLE???!!! I could go on and on about this ridiculousness, but I think this post has gone on long enough. I’ll give you a chance to digest it before I tell you the rest….Oh yes there is more! Stay tuned…

If at First You Don’t Succeed...

Hello 2009! Have we met? Or is this one of those situations where we had hot drunken sex one night and walked by each other the next day like we never met? Okay that makes no sense whatsoever, but neither does my not blogging for the last 4 months?! Who do I think I am?! I’ll tell you! A complete failure! F@ck UP! Douchebag! Wack job! Oh please stop me!...No really! Stop me…lol

Please excuse my senseless rants, but I feel like I’m so new to this blogging thing like some sort of revirginized amateur. Or maybe I’m just a different person now. The other day I started reading through my old posts and as I read through them I thought to myself, "Who me?!" "Did I really say that?!" "OMG did I actually do that shit?!" "Damn! Am I really that f’ed up??!" I almost went into a state of depression when I thought about how monotone and fucking boring my life has become now. Grant it, I’ve done some really stupid shit in the past, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. How wack is it that I’m trying to be mature and learn from my mistakes?? Have my mistakes really turned me into a complete bore?! Or perhaps I'm just being overly dramatic and think my life is more boring than it really is because I haven’t written about the things that have happened to me such as the fact that I have not gone on a real date since 2008, or the fact that everyone around me seems to be getting married and knocked up while my eggs continue to dry up, OR the fact that I actually considered dating a guy that I find extremely unattractive just because I enjoy the feeling of someone ‘wanting me’. Oh and it doesn’t stop there. Let’s talk about the fact that I’m almost at the end of my master’s program and beginning to wonder why the hell I started it in the first place. Woul dit have something to do with my job saying fuck you, figure out some other way to pay for school because we’re cutting your allowance called TUITION REIMBURSEMENT like the bastard black sheep of a child i.e. employee you are! (Please excuse the preposition) Do I sound bitter? Really? I do? Because I’m not….Really I’m not. HAHAHA

Life really isn’t that bad though. Don’t mean to make things sound so dismal. I mean I still have a job is this dontrodden economic environment. I mean everyone else keeps TELLING me I should be thankful. Yes Praise Jehovah! (No blasphemy intended) I mean I still have my good looks with the occasional blemish, my pearly whites with dental insurance to support it, and let’s not forget about my daily savior Orthotrycyclen-lo that keeps my proud monthly Mary in check and blocks the kiddies from exploding from my crotch. Life is freakin grand! Yeah this post is clearly getting out of control, but I need to vent damnit!

I could go on and on, but I won’t. I hate it when people complain and don’t do shit about it. So I’m changing my course of action and here are some my next steps:

• Annihilate this load of cottage cheese called my ass – Yeah so I signed up for this 6 week fitness bootcamp with my girls. Grant it part of the reason I joined is because of the hottie instructor, but hey this is an equally beneficial relationship! He gets my money while I get to stare…oh yeah and loose this 20+ lbs that I’ve managed to gain since last summer. I have to give up my Saturday mornings for the next month and a half because I’ve become a slave to Checkers fries and McDonald’s sweet tea for way too long.
  
• New Blog, New Look – This blog is getting really old and I’m over it. I don’t know if I’m over it because I’m into new shit now or because my girl Charm City Kim nee Twinks made the switch, but it’s time for a change. I mean it served me well circa 07-08, but I don’t even keep my shoes this long! Plus I just got a haircut and this blog doesn’t compliment my new look. LOL Stay tuned for my new Wordpress blog…


• Pose for the camera now Flick Flick – Did I ever mention I always wanted to be a model?? I’m so serious. (Smile) No worries I realized long ago that I was 5 ft under and 500 lbs over the height/weight requirement for those ANTM bitches! However, my friend…let’s call him Evince…just opened up a photo studio and he’s going to help me carry out my dreams while I give him the opportunity to be around muah! LMAO Just kidding…This should be interesting.


• Lights, Camera, Action – After I lose this extra chin of mine, I’m going on a mission to get on Food Network with my boy Big Daddy! Yes I know! I can’t cook! That’s the beauty of it…I’m going to pitch this fantabulous idea to his people and maybe his people can call my people and we can set something up. LOL I’m trying to keep this brief but I’ll fill you in on the details later.


• CAG The Brand – Yes I am in the process of creating my brand. Placing my stamp on the world! Yes I know this may be overly ambitious of me, but I’m trying to start something big! Not necessarily a clothing line, shoes collection, or my own bumper stickers, but I’ve always believed I have to power to positively impact those around me. I know I know! It sounds nuts right?! I haven’t quite figured out how, but hopefully we can figure it out together. (Smile)

That should that’s just a little preview of some of my upcoming blogs. I mean of course I will throw in some of the foolery dealing with my oh so sporadic/non-existent dating life, or my maid-of-honor wedding drama (oh wait…I was kicked out of the wedding!) Yes I can’t stray too far from my drama-filled roots! I hope you’ll embark on this new journey with me.

WELCOME BACK CAGGERS! You’ve been missed! I’ll do my best to maintain and keep you entertained.

‘Picking’ Myself out of the Possibilities

I find myself constantly thinking Ehh he’s too short or Nah he’s way too tall, how would I ever reach his... or OMG does he get his eyebrows waxed or threaded because that arch is sharper than mine?! I admit I can be extremely picky in the choice of men that I choose to interact with romantically or even semi-romantically i.e. he likes me and I let him treat me to dinner with no strings attached.

At what point is it not okay to be so picky? Should it be determined by age? Beauty? Or Position in life? These are some of the things I’ve pondered over in the last few months during my leisure, which is not very often.

Last week I was home for the holidays and happened to have a high school reunion during the same weekend. The first thing that seemed to come out of everyone’s mouth is ‘OMG CAG you’re so fabulous! Where’s your man?!’ It got to a point where I wanted to scream, ‘MY MAN IS IN MY DRAWER AND HE HAS 250 FUCKING SETTINGS!’ GOSH! (My vibrator for my slow readers...lol) No seriously it got really annoying. But as I get older I guess it’s only normal for people to wonder when I’m going to settle down. I can’t play forever, right?

The funny thing is I’m not playing at all. I’m quite focused actually. But because I choose to focus my energies on my career and acquiring academic capital does that mean at the end of the day I have to deal with slim pickings and in turn have nothing to pick from according to my current day standards. That really sucks!

But fuck that I refuse! Yes I’m alone, but I’m sure as hell not lonely! So many of my friends choose sorry ass men because they hate being alone. But why should I be unhappy with a man that when I looked at him I’m completely repulsed or that cheats on me with every bitch that crosses his path. I just can’t! I really came to this realization recently when I met this guy at a party I went to the other week.

From what I can recall, it was a whirlwind of a night. I was a bit inebriated to say the least. I remember him being tall, dark, and semi-handsome; the height making him more handsome. And the next thing I know I woke up with a pounding headache ready to throw up at both ends of my body. That’s when the foolery all began...

Strike 1: First of all he called me the very next day.

The party ended at 5AM. I didn’t get into the house until 7AM!

Okay I’m not big on the ‘You have to wait at least 3 days rule, but I mean dude we didn’t even talk for real. I was drunk as hell! I saw him in passing, barely remember putting my number in your phone, and kept it moving. I didn’t even remember his name. Honestly, I deemed him as ‘the I-Phone guy’. Okay he called me. Perhaps he found me strikingly beautiful. I’m flattered, but then

Strike 2. What do you do for a living?

I-Phone Guy: I’m an RA
CAG: An RA like Resident Assistant? In a Dorm? Like that babysits bad ass college students?
I-Phone Guy: Yeah except they’re middle and high school students at a boarding school.
CAG: So you like live there with them? So I would have to like ‘sign-in’ if I came to see you?
I-Phone Guy: I mean for the most part but not all the time depending on who’s at the desk.

I’m sorry. I don’t live with my mama anymore nor do I leave in a dorm with my dorm mother. It’s been that way for quite some time. Therefore, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be getting busy with some bad ass kids banging on the door because the toilet overflowed or someone’s getting into a fight. I was an RA in college and you wouldn’t imagine the shit that used to come to my door. On top of that he’s 28 years old! At least be the RD (Resident Director)! Shallow I know. But that’s me being picky.

Okay Strike 3. He calls me ‘His CAG’.

Oh hell no! I met you less than a week ago and you’re already trying to be my man. He sends me these annoying texts all day like, ‘Good Morning MY CAG’ and ‘I just love your face MY CAG’ and ‘How’s everything going with MY CAG.’ Ugh! As If! I’m so urked!

Some other things about him that completely turned me off are he asked me to take him out because I make money (at least he thinks I do), he has huge tattoos on his back of praying hands and bible scriptures which is hypocritical and blasphemous in my opinion not because he has them, but because they are of scriptures, and he called me ‘stinky butt’. How wack is that?!

So am I being way too picky or am I just meeting the resident crazies! Is it really me? Do I have a serious problem??

Try Putting THIS List into Your Search Engine

Once again I have allowed myself to fall off the face of the earth causing my fan base to become as scarce as water in the desert. However, last week I was reminded by one of my faithful right wing followers, Eludius, that I haven’t wrote a blog in over two months! (Thanks E for calling me out on this trivial fact. Typical Republican...lol) As a result, I have decided to join the 12 Steps Program for Alienated bloggers. First Step, Admitting I am powerless over not blogging i.e. I have allowed my life to become unmanageable to the point I don’t blog anymore. For that I am truly sorry. (Tears) Okay now that I’ve gotten that over with moving right along.

School is back in session people! No I’m not referring to the conventional world of academia, even though my journey to receiving my master’s degree is ongoing and seemingly never ending. No my friends, I’m referring to the real school. The school of hard knocks called MY SOCIAL LIFE! No, I STILL don’t have a boyfriend! Yes, I STILL encounter the resident crazies in my daily love conquests. No I’m not looking for a man nor am I looking to get married and have babies tomorrow, but damnit I would like to have some viable options! But nooooooooo, apparently this is too much for which to ask.

Lately, between trying to be the première career woman and outstanding pupil, I admit I haven’t had the time to pursue any sort of minimal social life. However, recently I’ve attempted a new strategy. This strategy entailed trying to find a man closer to me....Like literally. By this I mean potentially someone at work (I know I now. Too close for comfort, but desperate times call for desperate measures), or someone at school (yes I know my first attempt in finding love at school turned into a disastrous lay), or perhaps someone I interact with via professional networks (THIS I will discuss a little later), or even a sales associate at Macy’s (at least I could get a high discount in my favorite store). Surprisingly I’ve had some luck in the work arena. I’m kind of seeing a guy that works on my floor and I’m in the process of trying to pursue one of the maintenance men. LOL (Twinks don’t yell but his body is amazing and he’s good with his hands! I need someone to build me a walk in closet!) There have also been some slight disasters such as the guy on the floor below me that I found out is married! No not divorced, or even separated, but married! (CLOWN!) Unfortunately I haven’t found anyone on the second floor yet, but my girl Elicious has already classified me as the resident floor whore. LOL I mean at least they’re all separated by at least one flight of stairs. Moreover, I haven’t found anyone else at school and unfortunately all my favorite shoe salesmen are gay and/or old so that’s pretty much out. However, I almost had hope for one of my professional peers but that fell through VERY quickly.

Let’s call him Dean. We met as young driven interns and sporadically kept in touch over the years; for he pursued law and I pursued making money for my shoe habit. On paper he’s amazing. Qualifications including: bright and educated young lawyer; six figure salary; Budding entrepreneur; Serves on the board of several community service organizations. Seemingly he would be something sort of magnificent, but under it all he’s an arrogant and pompous elitist with countless narcissistic tendencies. I mean so narcissistic to the point he created a list of 100 characteristics a women should adhere to before he would them to be a serious contender for his future wife; 80% being the passing grade. I told him I wouldn’t post his list and blog about it, but I HAVE to make some compromise because this must be discussed. So I distributed the list to my friends and it has become a common thread forward, so I would like to share some of the feedback.

Let me preface the rest of this post by saying I’m sure that everyone has created a list in his or her head about the things that he or she is willing or not willing to accept in a partner such as No druggies, No convicts, No mommy issues, etc. In addition, I knew long before I received this list that Dean and I would only be friends because I think he possesses so many unrealistic expectations from others that he doesn’t comply with himself. With that being said no this list is not applicable to me, no I did not ask him to grade me, and no him and I are not or will never be an item! However, every time we’ve had discussions I’m became increasingly curious about this list and finally asked him to send it to me. As I opened the list I thought to myself, ‘Oh this isn’t too bad’. For example, 1.Wants a family (2-4 kids) (Okay maybe I don’t want that many kids, if any, but that’s not too unreasonable) or 9. Can cook ( know her way around the kitchen) Again, not my thing but in my opinion not too much to ask. However, it didn’t take long before I feel like daggers were being thrown through my heart!

12. Doesn’t mind following (Pinch)
26. Stylish / fashionable (This is so me!)
27. Frugal (Ouch!!)
32. Not fat(not more than 160lbs – 5’8 and up; 150lbs 5’5-5’7; 130lbs 5’4 and under) (Is he serious about life??)
42. Thoughtful (buys cards and gifts for my family) (Oh hell naw!)


Okay I’m cheating. I said I wouldn’t comment. Here are some of the thoughts from my girls that I would like to share.

Rule #13 Can get dress quickly
You can't rush perfection. That's not how a classy lady handles her business.

Rule #31Long hair (defined as being at least shoulder length)

Hopefully, she'll never need chemotherapy but everyone's body ages and changes. He should be marrying her soul not her body.

Rule #32 Not fat(not more than 160lbs – 5’8 and up; 150lbs 5’5-5’7; 130lbs 5’4 and under)

I am 5'8" - when I weighed 160, my collar bone was popping out my neck and you could've used me for a Feed the Children commercial. Maybe a commercial for the after pictures, but still, you get the point.

Rule #58 Bikini body
- Anyone else notice a pattern? I understand that we humanly see the physical first but he should be marrying her soul not her body.

- Okay I need to see a picture of this (guy)

Rule #77 Rocks the mic (For those of you who are confused he means the ability to perform oral sex exceptionally)
On top of all of that she has to be an MC too?????...Whew that was good for a really big laugh lol.

And finally and Most Importantly Rule#87 Accept ALL my flaws (This one got the most feedback)

- The first one (that need to go) off the list is number 87. because he's not accepting all of hers.
- I couldn't get past number 87 either!
- .. he's not accepting all of hers faults so why should she accept all of his. I've already considered that he did not include the flaws that he's accepting b/c that's not what this list is about.
- All I can say to that list is WTF?!

So there it is people. The list that will lead to perfection! On a sidebar, Dean actually told me that one girl he’s dating scored a 98 according to his grading scale, but he could never take her seriously because she’s taller than him with heels on. To that I asked him how he can be sure that his list will be effective. He in turn said he couldn’t help what he likes. Douchebag! Again, I would love to post the list but I am trying to slightly keep my promise and plus I’m sure you would be completely blown if exposed to the rest of his buffoonery. So! I’m curious to know. What are your thoughts?

Keeping the CAG Alive

Did you check her pulse? I think we’re losing her. I can’t feel a heartbeat! OMG is she gone?!! Say it ain’t so! Wait Wait…I think I hear something. Shhhh…Is that a breath? Do I feel some movement? SHE’S ALIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEE!!!

Yes I’m alive and back in full effect! You can’t get rid of me that easily. Yeah Yeah Yeah I know it’s been a while, two months to be exact, but I’ve been busy damnit. However, I could never leave the blogosphere. It just wouldn’t be civilized or fabulously just! The ‘sphere’ needs me! So I back, with new criticisms, more stories to tell of course, and even more fabulousness. Before I begin my updates I just want to share something I witnessed today that I not only thought was completely disgusting, but just flat out uncouth.

Surprisingly I’ve been sticking with the gym even though MY vacation season is over for the summer. Cancun has come and gone and I’m so over Miami. However, I kind of like being fit. Plus my legs look awesome! I’m not out of control like I used to be with my diet though. I eat whatever the hell I want! So I work out whenever I have the opportunity. Today that opportunity presented itself at lunchtime.

I normally hate working at lunchtime because it’s extremely crowded and I feel like people are more concerned with showing off and not really working out. As my good friend Eludius would say, ‘All the hot girls work out at lunchtime’. Well I have some news for you buddy. Your hot girls don’t wash!

Yes those bitches are absolutely disgusting and I look at them in a completely different light when I see them at work now. These are the girls men gawk at and drool over when they walk by. These are the long haired broads with fake boobs (or great push ups) and cheap pumps. For some reason they’ve been able to infiltrate the corporate world and actually get paid for their stupidity. Ok perhaps I’m taking things a bit too far, but you’ll understand why momentarily.
The reason I don’t like to go to the gym during lunch is because I only get an hour for lunch. This translates into only having about a god half hour to workout because I need at least 5 – 10 minutes to change into my gym clothes and 20 minutes to take a shower and get dressed again. Oftentimes my gym at work offers classes during the middle of the day. I always wondered how people managed to take them and get back to their desks on time. One day I decided to take one because the boss wasn’t there and everyone on my team was gone as well. After the class I rushed to the showers because I didn’t want all of those ‘hot bitches’ to take all the showers. As I was taking my shower, I noticed my shower was the only one running water. When I got out and went back into the locker room all I saw were a room full of hot chicks wiping down with towels and reapplying their deodorant! EEEEWWWW!!!! Nasty bitches! Some of them had wet wipes and I wanted to tell them, ‘You are a grown ass women! How do you think wiping down with baby wipes is going to make you clean!’ However, what I witnessed today took the cake. (I know. After all that I finally get to today…lol)

Once again I was the only one in the shower during lunchtime (not to my surprise) but as I walked out into the pool of disgustingness i.e. the locker room full up unhygienic chicks, I noticed a bottle I normally wouldn’t see in this environment. I had to take a double take because I just couldn’t believe my eyes. As the nasty chick sprayed down a towel with this substance I was completely flabbergasted! I just stood there with complete astonishment! I think she caught on that I was staring because she quickly put the bottle away. I know you’re dying to know what it was, but hold tight. It’s coming…

After work I rushed home because I was dying to know if this substance could be used as some sort of human body sanitizer. When I opened my apartment door, I rushed to my ‘fun drawer’ and read the instructions for use. “Kills bacteria and freshens …with a light, sweet fragrance.” That’s exactly what I thought. Nowhere on that body did it say it could be used directly on humans! You know why? Because it’s the antiseptic for sex toys! Yes ladies and gentlemen, the nasty hot workout bitch used the same spray I clean my vibrator with to wash her nasty ass after she worked out! I’ve seen it all! DROP DEAD AND SCENE!

This story went on a little longer than anticipated, so I’ll save my personal updates for later. I just needed to warm up a little because I thought I was starting to lose my passion for blogging. No worries. I’m not only warm, I’M HOT! It feels good to be back!